Dear Ex

Dear Ex,

After thorough consideration: you no longer deserve to date anyone of the human race – you lying piece of sh*t! I hate you. You ruined my life with your lies and manipulation.

No. Uhmmmm
Dear Ex,

After thorough  consideration: you only deserve to eat (diarrhea inducing) sugarless gummy bears and experience curdling in your stomach as soon as you kiss another woman. You’ll be forced to end the date immediately and run to find the nearest bathroom, but sh*t your pants before you reach the toilet

Uhhhhm…no…hmmm

Dear Ex,

I’m wishing diarrhea on your shitty soul for the rest of your life.

…Uhhmmm too easy.

Dear Ex,

With all that you put me through, you deserve:  severe stomach curdling from diarrhea every workday as soon as you reach your desk, for your fantasy football team to always lose, for your mom to call every time you’re trying to have sex, and  shrinkage. Yes! SHRINKAGE

UGH! no…what’s up with me and diarrhea?

Dear Ex,

You’re lame @ss deserves the dirty whore you messed with behind my back. Good luck to her for thinking she was stealing something great. She’s going to love washing your skid marked underwear, convincing you that your dick pics are sexy, and popping your butt pimples.

Nah…

Dear Ex,

I’m glad we didn’t last long because I don’t want to be around when your diarrhea starts. Your skid marks were already a level 10. 

I hope you never qualify for an iPhone upgrade. Ever. In. Life.

uhmmm. How about….

Dear Ex,

Your tattoos are corny. Your car is not as great as you think. Your man-shorts are NOT flattering. You brag about your money but you don’t have anything worth mentioning.  That dead tooth in your mouth offends everyone you speak to. You told me you were big – I was disappointed.

AND…Good luck with the diarrhea. 

 

Okay. Let’s try…
Dear Ex,

How’s the diarrhea?

hahahaha! ok…hmmm….

Dear Ex,

If you are living your life on the toilet; it’s because I’ve wished a brown, watery, splattering fate upon you. Karma!

hahahahhah!

 

Dear Ex,

I’ve concluded, you deserve: eternal diarrhea,  and SHRINKAGE whenever you blink your eyes.

OH! how about…

Dear Ex,

You hurt me and I hope you’re somewhere scared and wishing that karma doesn’t find you and drag you to the hell you put me through.

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Trikk Queen

It’s been 5 months since I paid off my luxury condo with a view of the New York City skyline.

2 months ago, I sent my parents on a month long vacation to  Jamaica on my “lottery winnings”.

Last week, I hired a personal assistant who runs my errands, pays my bills, walks my dog, and sends slutty texts on my behalf to my lovers when I’m busy.

Before you assume that I’m a lazy pyramid scheme running, escort just know that I believe I have helped people control their substance abuse.

My rise to wealth started 3 years ago, as a prank. I decided to get my coworker/bestie, Nancy, high to loosen  her up at the company’s holiday party. After all the financial reports she organized and presented to our VPs; she deserved to have some fun.  So, after her small chat with her office crush turned sour I walked her to the restroom.  Awkward discomfort showed in her doe-like eyes. Hoping to ease the pain, I reached into my clutch with my index-finger and thumb to revel a tiny clear vial with a black cap filled with (pause) let’s call it a white powdery substance.

“I don’t know about this…”Nancy nodded.

Disregarding her comment I poured the substance onto the scoop part of my pinky finger nail. I could only base my actions on what I’ve seen on TV.

“Can I get in on that?”

A familiar voice requests from a distance about 3 stalls away.

Nancy tilts her head while extending her neck to see over my shoulder and I turn slightly to see where the  request is coming from.

I hesitated. “…get in on this?” I replied like an amateur.

The last stall door swung open revealing my director, Janis. Her sultry and intrigued eyes held gaze with me as her foot steps got louder when she came closer to us.

“I really need to get through this dull night” Janis said suavely when she reached our standing point of the bathroom.

I passed her the vial and she sprinkled a tiny hit onto the back of her left hand. We watched in awe as she brought her diamond dressed wrist closer to her face, held her right nostril closed with her right hand and vacuumed the dust up her left nostril.

“Ahhhhh” Janis sighed and fluttered her lashes ” Come have a drink with me before you girls leave”.

Janis checked her reflection, pinched her nose to grab the white excess and rubbed her fingers together until the powder disintegrated. Her slim figure swiftly glided out of the bathroom along with the taps of her four inch high pumps.

“Your turn” I gestured the vial at Nancy for her to give me her hand.

Reluctantly, she followed Janis’ same steps, but her attempt to be suave turned to uncontrollable  flinching and coughing.

“This better make me a rich bitch like Janis too” Nancy coughed.

I followed suit and couldn’t help to cough, flinch, and flicker my eyes as well. I was shocked by the sense of clarity my mind felt 10 minutes later. I couldn’t believe I cooked up a potion that had this effect.

Seeing it as a networking opportunity, we made our way to the corner of the bar Janis was standing at and chatting up one of the hottest guys from the office. My mental plan was to chat  and have a few shots with Janis before the night ended.

“…there you ladies are,” Janis smiled ” I was just telling Adam about how much fun you two ladies are.”

Without hesitation, “Would you ladies care to share?” Adam asked in a flirty charismatic tone.

The glisten in his eyes seduced my soul, but I played nonchalant.

I swung my hand forward “It’s so nice to meet you,” I smiled “I think I’ve seen you around before” We shook hands with the vial transferring from my hand to his. He grinned then walked away.

Nancy got the sense of courage she needed at the party. We effortlessly chatted up a few VPs and laughed about our night on the way home. I felt like a proud mom watching my girl passed out on my couch.

Next workday, my list of besties in the office had grown. Janis seemed to spread the word about me. VPs, Directors, and even the CEO knew my name not only because of my hard work in the office, but also for my overnight sensation of a side hustle. They assumed I worked for a man, but I was my own boss.

I had weekly private meetings with the CEO to discuss deliveries.

“Stella, your boss makes an amazing hit!” he  spoke in a low tone while shaking my hand “Last batch caused me to wake up not knowing where the f@#k I was” he chuckled.

People in the office hate me for my popularity. I, of course,  love the attention.

I’ve heard whispers from random coworkers as I walk by “…it’s like she’s got some kind of hold on them”.

Many don’t know why management plays favorites with me. It’s a simple formula: 3 parts baking soda, 1 part crushed baby aspirin. Harmless fun combined with legal substances. I’m not hurting anyone just fulfilling a demand.

 

 

 

 

…just being a good friend

Namaste


“I just don’t know how we ended up here” Cassandra says.

She sits across from me on my navy blue couch. Tears well up under her jade toned eyes. My heart aches for my neighbor turned best friend.

“Maybe you two can try therapy again” I reply sincerely with a slight shrug.

“Yea maybe…” she says while tucking her strawberry-brownish hair behind her left ear.

“Well listen, you can stay in our guest room for as long as you want…my husband will be away at work for a few days anyway”

“I’d hate to inconvenience you Lorna”

Cassandra crosses her yoga toned legs then brings her knees to her chest and wraps her cardigan tightly around her frame – like a security blanket. The fetus shaped ball she has curled into is like an invisible bubble blown to protect her heart from anymore pain. While watching her, my head tilts to the right as I think – I want to cure her pain.

“It’s no inconvenience Cass. I’d love the company” I reassure.

Three years ago Cass and Mark moved in next door. It was a breath of fresh air to have her in my life. We went from “welcome to the neighborhood” to “let’s go workout” and eventually “how about a girl’s night out?!”.

To see Cass in pain hurts me to the core. Hearing that Mark has been cheating on her makes me wonder how blind and dumb he actually is.

“How about some hot tea?”

“Yea, sure” she sniffles. 

I stand and sashay my broad pear-shaped hips towards the kitchen sink then turn to watch her from the open floor planned layout.

“Peppermint tea ok?” I call over to her.

“yea that’s fine” she announces back while nodding  and blowing her nose into a facial tissue.

I grab the kettle on the stove and pivot to face the sink. My right hand lifts the faucet lever to release water into the  red teapot. 

My mind can’t help but to find itself in a daze. I reminisce about the first time I saw the slim toned yogi practicing her tree pose while her flowy ponytail lightly dusting across her ballerina  postured shoulders. I was sipping a new flavored coffee while seated at the breakfast bar and admiring her as she practiced in her back yard. The morning brew warmed my soul and her presence heated a desire in me. Such a sweet soul should be given all the world has to offer.

Mark doesn’t deserve her. He can’t love her the way I know I can…

“I sprinkled in raw sugar for you…” my bare feet slap the hard wood floor while carrying the hot mugs to the living room area to accompany my friend in need…

In a Memento

A gray midday spotlights on an upright rectangular pane. Water spills onto the dusty glass as if to clean the filth that lingers on the other side.

A frail, petite frame is laying on a twin sized bed. Slowly, she extends her arms and legs in opposing directions awakening her senses while freeing her emerald eyes from their lids.

“Ahhh” releases from her lips while sitting up and draping her legs over the side of the bed.

“Oh shit! Where’s my phone?!”

Her hands flailinging hunt through the white snack stained sheets.

“Got it!” She holds it as if it’s a trophy.

Her feet race to the bathroom located through a white wooden door in  the bedroom. With the insert of a thumb into the elastic band and a hippless waist wiggle her sleep shorts are at her ankles. Morinne’s  elbows are resting on her knees while she taps away on the touchscreen of her smartphone. Her body sits in a 45 degree angle on the frigid white seat.

“Hehehehe…groupchat was crazy last night”

This is the Happiness she lives for.

“Oh…aww” her head tilts to the right with a lovestruck grin “Drewwww! He said good morning beautiful”

” I hope he’s coming by later” her smile holds for a beat then she snaps out of her daze.

“Let’s get the day started” her feet steady to the floor before her legs straighten and lead her back into the bedroom.

Morrine’s throne hisses behind her then fades to silence while she plops onto the unmade sheets. She reaches her right hand towards her head scratching her scalp lightly to not disturb the messy nest held by a skinny elastic on top. Her twig of an arm points forward holding a slim silver remote.

“I can’t wait to catch up on Netflix” the TV chimes on.

A golden midday spotlights onto a rectangular window pane. The sun gleams through the dusty glass as if to overpower the gray filth.

A frail, petite frame is laying on a twin sized bed. Slowly, she extends her arms and legs in opposing directions awakening her senses while freeing her eyes from their lids.

“Ahhh” releases from her lips while sitting up and draping her legs over the side of the bed.

“Oh shit! Where’s my phone?!”

Her hands flailinging hunt through the white snack stained sheets.

“Got it!” She holds it as if it’s a trophy.

Her feet race to the bathroom located through a white wooden door in the bedroom. With the insert of a thumb into the elastic band and a hippless waist wiggle her sleep shorts are at her ankles. Morinne’s elbows are resting on her knees while she taps away on the touchscreen of her smartphone. Her body sits in a 45 degree angle on the frigid white seat.

“Hehehehe…groupchat was crazy last night”

This is the Happiness she lives for.

“Oh…aww” her head tilts to the right with a lovestruck grin “Drewwww! He said good morning beautiful”

“I hope he’s coming by later” her smile holds for a beat then snaps out of her daze.

“Let’s get the day started” her feet steady to the floor before her legs straighten and lead her back into the bedroom.

Morrine’s throne hisses behind her then fades to silence while she plops onto the unmade sheets. She reaches her right hand towards her head scratching her scalp lightly to not disturb the messy nest held by a skinny elastic on top. Her twig of an arm points forward holding a slim silver remote.

“I can’t wait to catch up on Netflix”. The Tv chimes on.
Curiously peering through the square shaped window held by Morrine’s locked door.

“She seems harmless…poor girl” Sandra says.

                                                             “Hmmmph…not really” Patty snickers.

             “Oh come on…I heard she had a six figure job, luxury apartment, and handsome fiancé before ending up here.”

                                            “Yea …and…thanks to CATCHING  her handsome fiancé with another woman….poor girl …”  Patty nods her head left to right. “She had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t function”

Sandra stares observantly at the patient with pity in her eyes. 

“She taps on a disconnected smart phone and watches movies on VHS all day”  Patty says before a long pause.                                 “I wouldn’t want a man so handsome to ruin my life; causing insanity to become my eternity ” She matter of factly adds.

“They. Never. Found. The. Body” she nods with every syllable to Sandra. 

The two women swivel their hips,  pivot from the door and  stroll away in unison.

A blue midday spotlights on an upright rectangular pane. Fluffy flakes dance outside the dusty glass as if taunting the filth that lingers on the other side.

A frail, petite frame is laying on a twin sized bed. Slowly, she extends her arms and legs in opposing directions awakening her senses while freeing her emerald eyes from their lids.

“Ah…”

*pronounciation: Main character’s name Morinne sounds like Mawr-in or more-in

** for a better understanding of this piece and where the ideas came from read Memento Mori (the short story) by Jonathan Nolan. 

Transformation

A 5’8″ shirtless muscular male is slowly pacing through a dimly- lit  kitchen while holding a smartphone to his ear.  He stops in his track,  tilts his head back and  lightly closes his eyes as the street light reveals his arched brows, chiseled jaw, and enticingly plump lips. He lets out a silent sigh.

“I know baby,” he says “yes… yes… I won’t be late tomorrow. No worr…”

The muffled sound of a female’s voice pouting filters through the phone causing him to pause. “This doctor is one of the best, baby!    I’m so excited, but I want to make a good impression…you know for our bastard child”

“No worries” he replies to assure her.

Female voice continues. “I wonder if I’ll still be pregnant on our wedding day or if you’ll wait to propose after the baby is born. You know our child deserves…”

He cuts her off “Hey my love, please go get your rest …tomorrow is a big day for us. I love you.”

She sniffles “Yes, okay baby. I love you too. Good night.”

He looks down at the smart phone in the palm of his hand, places his thumb on the red button to end the call and lays the phone on the kitchen counter he is standing next to.

“Aaaargh!” He groans while lacing his fingers through his messy cropped haircut. Shaking his head left to right in disbelief he walks through the dark warehouse loft to the living room area. His body plops on the dark chocolate leather couch face up. His eyes stare at the ceiling as if searching for an answer.

I can’t believe she would do this to me!

The woman of my dreams is lying to me?! Faaawck!

I mean… no one is perfect, but it took me most of my life to get to where I am. Hmmph…                          7 years ago she wouldn’t have wanted me. but NOW, I’ve got  a vacation home in Belize, town home in L.A, a digital marketing firm, amazing abs and I’m a new                   MAN!  This bitch wants to take me for all I’ve got!!!

I know what my problem is…the sex is too good (sly smirk),       but

Billie Jean won’t be framing me…hmmph.

I’m 100% sure I’m not the father (impersonating Maury Povich) ha! ha!         She would have a fit if I told her I got a vasectomy or something.

Nah! I can’t keep lying to her.

Would

she

forgive

my

actual truth?

I don’t want to scare her off  and       I don’t want to lose her.

I did always want to be a parent.

Do I want to knowingly raise another man’s child? Some baby making man’s child?

Or should I keep my mouth shut because she does want to be with me

and

I’ve come a long way since I was a confused woman waiting for her operation.

 

trans-shave

The Mister

A slim 28- year= old brunette  sitting in her parked car in front of a large brick 3-story home. Her car is at least 7 years old, but her mani-pedi is fresh and her jeans are barely broken in. The car is filled with the essence of an overpriced sweet floral perfume.

Corrine: …so, I just arrived at my boss’s home for this dinner. I hope this means she likes me and wants to promote me. *pause* I miss you baby *whining*

*a masculine  voice  filters through the speakers of the car*

Him: You’ve got this baby…and I miss you too.*pause* I tell you what..I’m going to hurry up with this workout and get back home to you.

Corrine:                                                                               That sounds perfect babe! I’ll make those protein muffins you love. Sheesh, I’m going to be an amazing wife to you some day *she unfolds the sun visor revealing the mirror to check out her reflection* Around what time do you think you’ll be by? *she combs her hair with her fingers and lightly re-twirls it into  spirals from her roller set*

Him:                 I’m sure you will, but let’s not rush baby. I’ll see you around 9.  *he replies in a  happy tone*

Corrine: Sounds good baby *she smiles* I’m going to go now. I’ll see you later. I love you

Him: Okay later baby. I love you too.

Corrine: *presses red button on smart phone to end phone call, grabs her bag then steps out of car. She takes another glance at her reflection while pushing the handle of the car door to close before heading to the house*

*the sound of a male singer crooning over the sultry-snazzy tone of 80s jazz music whispers from inside the house*

Corrine: *walks up the arch shaped driveway in the front lawn and rings the door bell*

*moments later the door opens revealing a 5’8″ dark haired woman. She is older than Corrine, but her mature features are sultry and timeless in a Catherine Zeta Jones way*

Patty: Well hello Corrine. So glad you made it *in a calm yet enthusiastic tone while opening her arms for a warm embrace* Have a seat in the living room. I’ll be right in. I’m on the phone with my husband. *she leads Corrine through the foyer to the living room at the right of them*

Corrine: I understand completely. *she replies reassuringly, while inhaling the savory smell drifting through the house*

Patty:                                                      You know boys will be boys *she smiles then turns towards the dining room that seems to lead further through a maze*

*Corrine sits in the living room on a stiff taupe leather couch. She lifts her right leg and angles it over her right knee. The couch slightly squeaks with her movements*

Patty: *returning to her guest* Let’s chat in the kitchen. I have a lovely red wine *she gestures towards the area she just came from*

Corrine: Sure. You have a lovely home Patty. How long have you and your husband lived here? *she exclaims while standing then following her idolized boss through the foyer to the kitchen*

*the women reach the kitchen meeting at the gray marbled counter top island centered in the cooking paradise with mahogany cabinets*

Patty: It’s been almost 15 years.  I see something like this in your near future *she assuringly winks with a smirk after sitting on a stool  and pours  2 glasses, 1 after the other*

*the 2 women clang their glasses then take a quick sip of their wine*

Corrine: I hope so. It’s only been 6 months, but I’m ready for my guy to pop the question *in a serious business tone*

Patty:          Well have your fun in the meantime. Some guys forget how to love you after years and years of being together. *her usual constant smile turned to a serious straight line*

Corrine:                                                                               I know. I hear that a lot, but I think he’s the one *slight smile*

Patty:                                      My husband was the one.  *pause* I’d think about him and smile to myself *pause* it seemed like we were mentally and emotionally connected because moments later he’d call *she stares down towards the counter stuck in a longing gaze* but that was young love *she says as she snaps out of her stupor*

Corrine: *smiles & cheerfully shrugs*

Patty: Get your guy and seal the deal! *gulps wine, then smiles at Corrine*

Corrine: Thanks! *smiles*

Patty:                        I noticed my husband acting a little different on and off over the last 2 or 3 years. Just always be on your P’s and Q’s *she says, then chugs the whole glass*

*the sound of the automatic garage door opening followed by the closing of a car door echoes through the first floor of the house*

Patty: Ha! Speaking of the devil. *she directs to Corrine with a sly expression* Jay I’m in the kitchen *she announces in the direction of the door leading from the garage*

Patty:                                I want you to meet my husband then we can eat *to Corrine*

Corrine:                            Sure!  *nods head up and down*

*both women sit still as if time would stop while anticipating the third person’s arrival*

*the male voice loudly calls to Patty, it gets louder as the foot steps get closer*

Jay: Honey, I won’t be home for long. Bobby is at the bar waiting for me. He’s bummed something dealing with Nancy again.

Patty:                                                                                     Oh no not again! *she calls back to the empty door space awaiting her conversation mate’s arrival*

Corrine: *Listens to the conversation. She keeps her back facing the empty doorway to not seem intrusive in the discussion between the married couple*

Jay: Yea…so, I’ll just grab a bite then head back out *he reaches the doorway and stands in place in the threshold*

Patty: Meet one of my staff members…*her open palm gestures towards Corrine sitting across from her*

Corrine: *smiling, swings her body towards Jay * Hi so nice to finally mee…Jason? *she squints her eyes in a questioning manner*

Patty: Yes, Jason, our family calls him Jay though *still in introductory mode*

Jay: *smiling while nodding his head left to right*

Corrine: *holding eye contact with Jay her eyes  slightly well up*

Patty: Honey, this is the young lady I’m going to promote *she says to Jay while smiling at Corrine*

Jay: Congrats young lady *He replies in a counterfeit representation of being genuine*  I’ll be on my way now *he swiftly scatters towards the garage*

Patty: Yes, you should be proud *she gives a bona fide smile to Corrine*

Corrine: *tears well up in her eyes* Thank you

affair

 

 

 

 

 

Fighting the setbacks

5:00 am (alarm clock sounds obnoxiously)

A feminine apple shaped body connected to a chipmunk faced lady turns her head towards her left shoulder to view the morning darkness. She glares out the beige curtain-dressed window. Rolling her eyes, she extends her right arm at the night table next to her bed, swinging it to end the buzzer.

Her: *soft yawn while staring at the ceiling*


Her: Babe (pause) babe *she whispers*

Him: *his back facing her* *body laying still and unbothered*

Her: *her left hand uses a soft pressure to nudge his shoulder*

Him: *deep tired mumble* yes sweetie

Her: don’t forget to wake the kids and get them dressed. My trainer is waiting to torture me *she giggles, and then slowly sits up and swings her feet to the floor*

Him: Arrrggghhhh alright *in a loud yawning voice*

Her:                                             and don’t forget their oatmeal for breakfast. Their lunches are packed.working-out

Him:            YEP! * with sarcastic enthusiasm while stretching to rise from the bed*

Her: *walks to the lounge chair in the corner of the room while stripping of her nightie* I’m serious. No more pastries or big slices of cake for breakfast. I don’t want our kids to be obese.

Him: *grabbing her naked body from behind and hugging tightly while mumbling into her neck* I don’t see a problem with that

Her:                   *flattered and blushing* arggh really babe! come on we’ve discussed this before. This will make me feel better. Plus I want to look good for your sister’s wedding this summer. No more Shamu standing behind the skinny chicks in pictures. *she wiggles out of his hold and gathers the workout sweats and t-shirt  from the chair to put on*

Him:*sighs while watching her walk away* Well I hope you and your aerobics teacher have a nice time pumping iron or whatever it is you do.

Her:                                                                                        ha ha! it’s cross-training Mr  Ex -High School jock. Time has been catching up to you…and your beer belly. *she smirks while grabbing her gym bag and water bottle*

Him: *looking down in a wide legged stance*   I thought you liked my hairy gut *patting his stomach in a goofy manner*

Her: see you later. Love you *she announces loudly while making a beeline for the front door of their 2 bedroom apartment*

*a hint of giggling children stirs in the background*

Him: I love you too baby *he announces back* Oh, babe I forgot to tell you…

Her:                                                                                                                                          OhMyGosh babe what is it? *she pauses in her tracks, and turns to make eye contact with her husband*

Him: *he continues* I forgot to tell you Kevin is supposed to bring in cookies for the bake sale. Nothing store bought.

Her: *loud sigh* call your mom. I’m out the door right now

Him: actually mom’s knee is still bad. She can’t stand honey.

Her: I have to go babe. You’ll figure it out *opens door to leave*

Him: We can’t send Kevin to school without the cookies. We signed up for this.

Her: *closes door, drops the gym bag at her feet, kicks sneakers off, walks into kitchen, grabs supplies from fridge, pulls hair into ponytail*

Him: *saunters back into bedroom, calls over his shoulder while walking away* yea do your aerobics step mess some other time

Her: *mumbles, as a pea sized tear speeds down her cheek from her eye* this is why I still haven’t lost the weight