Death to Ms. VAL-entine

A white shiny casket presents a butterscotch tinted female figure while somber chapel music plays. She lays at peace while the waves of her chestnut colored hair flow past her shoulders almost endlessly. Her Husband, Troy and best friend, Olivia stand nearby observing the lifeless shell that used to be Val.

“I can’t believe this is real,” Olivia whispers to Troy.

“Me either,” he replies. “I miss her so much,” he chokes on a sob and cups his hand over his mouth.

Inaudible, Val’s agonized soul explodes like a grenade, rattling through her bombshell frame.

WHAT  the FUCK  happened HERE?! I’m not supposed to be dead right now! I’m supposed to be burying Troy right now and living happily ever after – dating boy toys and going on shopping sprees. Arrrggghhh!

I’m too gorgeous to die….and who the fuck asked for daisies! Troy knows I only prefer red roses. Hmmph his cheap ass probably tried to save money. Even in my death he’s penny-pinching. He probably ordered carnations, but Olivia made him spend the extra few dollars…Liv…hmmm, my fave mechanic turned bestie always looks out for me. As for Troy,  I …bet…he… asked one of his boys to drive us all to the burial site in his old clunker Expedition. I can’t even die as the princess I’ve always been. Wahh!

Val’s body permanently rests,  but her soul is sleepless and rationalizing.

I don’t get it. How did my plan with Olivia fail?

Val reflects on what lead her to this rigor…mortis.

“So, tomorrow night,” Val whispers on the phone “I’ll go to do my usual grocery store trip around 7:30.”

“…and I will call the house telling Troy there’s been an accident and for him to come right away,” Olivia adds in.

“Yes, but make sure to stop by as soon as it gets dark to cut the brake line on the BMW, the black car” Val instructs.

I’m sure Olivia did it correctly.

Troy and Liv, admire in a daze on the dearly departed Val.

“I miss my wife so much,” Troy whimpers.

He turns, and bends at his waist towards Olivia. She quickly reaches up towards his shoulders to embrace him.

“Do you know what happened to her?” Olivia asks in a low murmur.

“Something about her brakes in her white Mercedes gave out,” Troy whispers back with a confused frown.

“…and your car is okay. Right?” she asks.

“No problems,” He blurts in between his whimpers.

“Oh,” she replies in a sullen tone.

Olivia continues her squeeze on Troy and gazes up to the  sunlight showing through the stained glass window. It spotlights onto the casket as Olivia’s eyes glisten in a bright beam, and her  frown turns to a delightedly sly grin. Val’s demise is Olivia’s prize.


“At first I was afraid…I was Petrified”: what to do when a ghost calls

This type of haunting is always unexpected. You’re happy, you look good so you post a few hot pics of yourself from Saturday night out with your girls and then


Your phone starts to chime and buzz loudly

it’s a text message from a ghost: “Hey Stranger” it says…

You either

A) consider reliving the spooks of your past or

B) ignore it


C) let your iPhone reveal that you read it, but didn’t bother to reply hehehe

If you end up face to face: be your sexy sultry self; wave, smile, keep moving, then hair toss – diva style. If you turn around and acknowledge this ghost you’re inviting all the horrors you experienced before.

hair tossAn enchanting ghost can return out of nowhere and it can be difficult to resist. (school girl sigh) the sweet kisses, hugs, and goofy inside jokes can make you smirk to yourself when you reminisce. But! if you cringe or get tight lipped when you think about the excessive flirting, late date arrivals, and other inconsiderate acts – Runnnnn! ADVICE: be realistic is it for temporary fun? or the future? keep in mind as the weather gets cooler Cuffin’ Season weighs heavy on the minds of people who just want a bed to share. Read: Buzzfeed’s 23 Insanely Clever Responses to Ex Texts

It is human nature to get sucked into a past endeavor when all the fun and benefits come to mind, but to deny fate giving you  the gift of moving on is like having your dreams and goals offered to you but choosing to remain stagnant.

Keep your cool. Hauntings like this only last long when you acknowledge them.

Feeling on the fence about keeping contact? Watch the Lily Allen video below and  Take this Cosmo quiz: Should you text him back on