Death to Ms. VAL-entine

A white shiny casket presents a butterscotch tinted female figure while somber chapel music plays. She lays at peace while the waves of her chestnut colored hair flow past her shoulders almost endlessly. Her Husband, Troy and best friend, Olivia stand nearby observing the lifeless shell that used to be Val.

“I can’t believe this is real,” Olivia whispers to Troy.

“Me either,” he replies. “I miss her so much,” he chokes on a sob and cups his hand over his mouth.

Inaudible, Val’s agonized soul explodes like a grenade, rattling through her bombshell frame.

WHAT  the FUCK  happened HERE?! I’m not supposed to be dead right now! I’m supposed to be burying Troy right now and living happily ever after – dating boy toys and going on shopping sprees. Arrrggghhh!

I’m too gorgeous to die….and who the fuck asked for daisies! Troy knows I only prefer red roses. Hmmph his cheap ass probably tried to save money. Even in my death he’s penny-pinching. He probably ordered carnations, but Olivia made him spend the extra few dollars…Liv…hmmm, my fave mechanic turned bestie always looks out for me. As for Troy,  I …bet…he… asked one of his boys to drive us all to the burial site in his old clunker Expedition. I can’t even die as the princess I’ve always been. Wahh!

Val’s body permanently rests,  but her soul is sleepless and rationalizing.

I don’t get it. How did my plan with Olivia fail?

Val reflects on what lead her to this rigor…mortis.

“So, tomorrow night,” Val whispers on the phone “I’ll go to do my usual grocery store trip around 7:30.”

“…and I will call the house telling Troy there’s been an accident and for him to come right away,” Olivia adds in.

“Yes, but make sure to stop by as soon as it gets dark to cut the brake line on the BMW, the black car” Val instructs.

I’m sure Olivia did it correctly.

Troy and Liv, admire in a daze on the dearly departed Val.

“I miss my wife so much,” Troy whimpers.

He turns, and bends at his waist towards Olivia. She quickly reaches up towards his shoulders to embrace him.

“Do you know what happened to her?” Olivia asks in a low murmur.

“Something about her brakes in her white Mercedes gave out,” Troy whispers back with a confused frown.

“…and your car is okay. Right?” she asks.

“No problems,” He blurts in between his whimpers.

“Oh,” she replies in a sullen tone.

Olivia continues her squeeze on Troy and gazes up to the  sunlight showing through the stained glass window. It spotlights onto the casket as Olivia’s eyes glisten in a bright beam, and her  frown turns to a delightedly sly grin. Val’s demise is Olivia’s prize.

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Trikk Queen

It’s been 5 months since I paid off my luxury condo with a view of the New York City skyline.

2 months ago, I sent my parents on a month long vacation to  Jamaica on my “lottery winnings”.

Last week, I hired a personal assistant who runs my errands, pays my bills, walks my dog, and sends slutty texts on my behalf to my lovers when I’m busy.

Before you assume that I’m a lazy pyramid scheme running, escort just know that I believe I have helped people control their substance abuse.

My rise to wealth started 3 years ago, as a prank. I decided to get my coworker/bestie, Nancy, high to loosen  her up at the company’s holiday party. After all the financial reports she organized and presented to our VPs; she deserved to have some fun.  So, after her small chat with her office crush turned sour I walked her to the restroom.  Awkward discomfort showed in her doe-like eyes. Hoping to ease the pain, I reached into my clutch with my index-finger and thumb to revel a tiny clear vial with a black cap filled with (pause) let’s call it a white powdery substance.

“I don’t know about this…”Nancy nodded.

Disregarding her comment I poured the substance onto the scoop part of my pinky finger nail. I could only base my actions on what I’ve seen on TV.

“Can I get in on that?”

A familiar voice requests from a distance about 3 stalls away.

Nancy tilts her head while extending her neck to see over my shoulder and I turn slightly to see where the  request is coming from.

I hesitated. “…get in on this?” I replied like an amateur.

The last stall door swung open revealing my director, Janis. Her sultry and intrigued eyes held gaze with me as her foot steps got louder when she came closer to us.

“I really need to get through this dull night” Janis said suavely when she reached our standing point of the bathroom.

I passed her the vial and she sprinkled a tiny hit onto the back of her left hand. We watched in awe as she brought her diamond dressed wrist closer to her face, held her right nostril closed with her right hand and vacuumed the dust up her left nostril.

“Ahhhhh” Janis sighed and fluttered her lashes ” Come have a drink with me before you girls leave”.

Janis checked her reflection, pinched her nose to grab the white excess and rubbed her fingers together until the powder disintegrated. Her slim figure swiftly glided out of the bathroom along with the taps of her four inch high pumps.

“Your turn” I gestured the vial at Nancy for her to give me her hand.

Reluctantly, she followed Janis’ same steps, but her attempt to be suave turned to uncontrollable  flinching and coughing.

“This better make me a rich bitch like Janis too” Nancy coughed.

I followed suit and couldn’t help to cough, flinch, and flicker my eyes as well. I was shocked by the sense of clarity my mind felt 10 minutes later. I couldn’t believe I cooked up a potion that had this effect.

Seeing it as a networking opportunity, we made our way to the corner of the bar Janis was standing at and chatting up one of the hottest guys from the office. My mental plan was to chat  and have a few shots with Janis before the night ended.

“…there you ladies are,” Janis smiled ” I was just telling Adam about how much fun you two ladies are.”

Without hesitation, “Would you ladies care to share?” Adam asked in a flirty charismatic tone.

The glisten in his eyes seduced my soul, but I played nonchalant.

I swung my hand forward “It’s so nice to meet you,” I smiled “I think I’ve seen you around before” We shook hands with the vial transferring from my hand to his. He grinned then walked away.

Nancy got the sense of courage she needed at the party. We effortlessly chatted up a few VPs and laughed about our night on the way home. I felt like a proud mom watching my girl passed out on my couch.

Next workday, my list of besties in the office had grown. Janis seemed to spread the word about me. VPs, Directors, and even the CEO knew my name not only because of my hard work in the office, but also for my overnight sensation of a side hustle. They assumed I worked for a man, but I was my own boss.

I had weekly private meetings with the CEO to discuss deliveries.

“Stella, your boss makes an amazing hit!” he  spoke in a low tone while shaking my hand “Last batch caused me to wake up not knowing where the f@#k I was” he chuckled.

People in the office hate me for my popularity. I, of course,  love the attention.

I’ve heard whispers from random coworkers as I walk by “…it’s like she’s got some kind of hold on them”.

Many don’t know why management plays favorites with me. It’s a simple formula: 3 parts baking soda, 1 part crushed baby aspirin. Harmless fun combined with legal substances. I’m not hurting anyone just fulfilling a demand.

 

 

 

 

The downside of common sense

Hear me out first please…

Just like how the saying goes “ignorance is bliss”. I can’t agree more.

I get a twisting, anxious, flutter in my stomach  when I witness someone do or say something that reflects complete ignorance. The feeling worsens when I try to help someone out of their foggy stupor. My frustrations say “slap them out of it!” while my common sense says “girl you can’t handle what might come after that slap”. 

After realizing I am an adult with responsibilities I force myself into a mental hermit crab-like shell. At this point I can only turn away to not witness someone being informed and still making a bad decision or still not understanding the light being brought to them.

Examples

1. Bad spellers. I have friends who have not been hired, or passed certain tests because they don’t know the difference between woman (singular) or women (plural) and so on. They wonder why they are not taken seriously and I just wonder how often they read – like real published books not their friend’s status check ins.

2. Side chicks. He only calls you certain times. You never met his family or friends. He doesn’t like titles. He’s inconsiderate about your time. He hopes you’re not jealous, because he’s going to be in SO many situations that will make you question his loyalty. Even if you really are the only woman (singular) that he’s seeing; do you really want to spend the rest of your dating or married life second guessing or making excuses for why you’re still with a shady guy? If your answer is yes then let’s not be friends. Ok?

3. Financially irresponsible people. I’ll always remember my college days when a bunch of us worked on campus making $9/hour which was big money to us. When payday came around we’d leave campus to go to the mall, movies, or order take out. I’ve  had a car and a cell phone since I was 17 so I knew to put aside money for gas and my monthly cell phone payment every pay period or month. What drove me crazy was knowing fellow dorm mates who got paid same time I did, but they were broke the next week. They ordered the same take out or saw the same movie I did but didn’t think about making their money last longer. Their lack of thinking ahead meant they couldn’t drive the next week or their phones got cut off. 

I’d say ” you got paid last week. Why is your phone cut off?” They’d reply “I spent the money already. They should’ve sent the bill last week”. When I noticed the pattern I started to distance myself. 

4. People who always need help. I don’t mind helping anyone if I am capable, but my gears grind when people repeatedly need assistance. They get themselves into situations, but think everyone else is supposed to help them out of it. They can’t pay their bills so someone else should handle it. They have the newest of clothes, shoes, or technology but since they don’t drive someone else is supposed to give them a ride. Now that I think about it; maybe they do have enough common sense to prey on people willing to help. Hmmm

5. Social media disclaimer re-posters. I crack up at people who copy and paste the disclaimers that say “…channel 13 announced Facebook will be charging people or publicly sharing your photos unless you copy and post the status saying you don’t authorize it.” If Facebook is going to charge you they will send you a bill. That status means nothing. As for your photos, as long as ONE person sees your pics online; ALL of your images and status updates are fair game to the WORLD.

Common sense is a learned practice. We learn it from our experiences and what we are exposed to, but we also learn from realizing what we do want and do not want to happen in our lives.  One thing’s for sure – I’ve got to stop explaining it to people before I end up being one of the no common sense examples.